You Oughta Be In Holos

You Oughta Be In Holos

"You Oughta Be In Holos"

By EsmeAmelia

AN: Yup, I still don't own Star Wars. Well here's a completely ridiculous challenge fic that should be fun to read. Fun to write, anyway.

Leia thought it would be an ordinary day. Or at least what passed for ordinary in her life.

But it turns out that even a Force-sensitive politician can be wrong about that.

The first signs that this day wasn't ordinary in the least occurred in the morning, while Leia was grocery shopping. She was pacing the aisles, wondering just where this market sold nerf steaks, when she thought she saw a flash out of the farthest corner of her eye. Under normal circumstances, she would have simply ignored the flash, except that she felt someone behind the flash - and that someone, the Force told her, was looking right at her.

She whipped her head in the direction of the flash, only to find nothing. If she weren't Force-sensitive, she probably would have just brushed it off and gone about looking for nerf steaks, but to the great misfortune of whoever it was that was pursuing her, she was. Someone was there, she had no doubt now.

And then there came another flash. Leia looked around again only to find shelves, but this removed all doubt that someone was stalking her. So what was she to do when she felt certain that someone she couldn't see was stalking her?

She did exactly what almost anyone would do. She addressed her pursuer.

"All right," she shouted, not exactly thinking about how she was in a public place. "I know you're there, whoever you are, now show yourself!"

A third flash followed her statement, this one right in Leia's face, momentarily blinding her. When the spots cleared, she found herself staring at an orange reptilian creature (what were those things called again?) with a holocamera in his hands and a way-too-satisfied look on his face.

"Disa poifect!" the creature exclaimed. "Meesa got moi moi great shots of dessa hewo! Messa gonna get raise for sure!"

By now Leia didn't care where the nerf steaks were anymore - Han could eat something else. She growled at the holographer. "All right, who are you, and why are you taking holos of me???" she screamed in the voice she usually used when Han left his clothes on the floor.

"Meesa holographer for deesa Galactic Star," the creature explained. "Weesa doin a stowy about da moi moi vewy last suvivor fwom deesa pwanet Aldewaan! Befowe, yousa know, itsa went kablooie!"

Once Leia had deciphered what the holographer just said, she glared at him. "Now wait a second - I'm not the last survivor. There's an entire support group of Alderaanian survivors!"

"Yousa also moi moi big hewo," the creature continued, ignoring Leia's correction. "Weesa gonna wite about dat, yousa life as Huttsa slave, yousa nutsy fwight thwogh astwiods, yousa steamy affair with yousa wong-wost bwodder..."

"WHAT???" Leia shouted, dropping her bag of groceries. "Luke and I did NOT have an affair!!"

"Oooh, yousa denyin it cause yousa embawassed," said the holographer.

Leia growled like a Wampa. "If you print that in your holozine, you will be arrested and charged for libel." She grabbed the holographer's collar in a rather rough mode. "And I'll personally make sure you get the worst-possible sentence."

What she wanted more than anything right now was to see the holographer cower, but the creature didn't seem at all offended or afraid. "Oh, weesa get in twoble for libel all da timesa, but weesa gotta, yousa might be sayin, excusin." He shoved himself away from Leia and held up his holocamera. "Well, meesa gotta go get deese devewoped! Meesa gotta deadwine!"

Leia put her hands on her hips. "You know, this might come as a big shock to someone as intelligent as yourself, but NO ONE BELIEVES THE STUFF IN TABLOIDS!!!"

"Den how come weesa sell so many?" the creature retorted, after which he stuck out his tongue that was at least a meter long and ran out of sight.

Leia screamed in frustration, causing applause from the crowd that had gathered around her. Paying them no heed, she picked up her bag and stormed straight for the exit, barely remembering to pay for her food.

Han would just have to deal with the lack of nerf steaks.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Leia returned home wanting to slump down on the sofa and tell Han about her strange experience, but when she opened the door to their apartment, she was greeted by a rather unpleasant surprise. The sofa was already occupied, on one end by Han, lounging back so his body took up two cushions, and on the other end by an unfamiliar woman. Leia might have immediately rushed forward and tackled her for hitting on her husband, but the stacks of datapads on her lap and her fast manner of taking notes said that she was here on business.