Queer Pirate for the Straight Guy

Views: 162
Favorited: 3

Published: May 14, 2007
Revised: May 15, 2007
Words: 2,276
Genre: Comedy
Type: Screenplay

4 ratings

By ladybd

parody of Pirates of the Caribbean, and Queer Eye for the Straight Guy

Tags: pirates of the caribbean, jack, will, elizabeth, barbossa, norrington, slash

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Queer Pirate for the Straight Guy

Queer Eye meets Pirates

The pirates make over someone who desperately needs it.

Submitter Notes: Pairing: Will/Jack (mild), Norrington/Elizabeth Notes: Queer Eye for the Straight Guy used to be seen on Bravo every Tuesday night. Buy Carson a pony. And don't expect this story to be "real". Pirates do not use product. Re: Where's the series? I'm waiting on the big stuff to see if there's any interest. So far this place is pretty quiet.

OUR CAST:

Fashion Guy: Jack Sparrow
Culture Guy: special guest star
Food Guy: Barbossa
Interior Design Guys: Pintel & Ragetti
Grooming Guy: Will Turner

Victim: James Norrington

**********

(A sleek black boat is pulling away from the Pearl. On its side is painted "FAB 5". Inside, our Cast is reviewing their notes regarding their latest victim. Each is well dressed - for a pirate - and is wearing a pair of expensive sunglasses.)

Jack: (flipping through his folder) Oh no, not him.

Will: Can you think of anyone who needs our help more?

Jack: Got a point. Hasn't changed his outfit in 20 years or more.

Pintel: Bet he has white walls!

Ragetti: White walls… (shivers slightly)

Barbossa: Shoulda opened fire first. Just to get 's attention.

Pintel: Gotta have somethin left to decorate!

Barbossa: Decorate the wall with ye! (rises slightly, only to be restrained by Jack)

Jack: Easy, there. We're here to terrify our *victim*. (soothingly) Imagine the look on the poor wretch's face…

Barbossa: (grins wickedly) Aye, there is that.

(They get to shore and leap from the boat, jogging into town. Heads turn as they pass but they take no notice. Immediately they burst into Norrington's home, an upscale house in the center of town.)

Norrington: (is seated behind a large desk, reading. When the door flys open he instantly reaches for his sword. Will is quicker and at once disarms him.)

Jack: (slides on top of the desk, sits comfortably, placing a friendly arm around Norrington). Commodore. We meet again.

Norrington: Sparrow!

Jack: You remember me! Brought some friends. We (he gestures around the room) are here… to help you.

Norrington: (locks eyes with Will) You'll swing for this, Turner.

Will: (smiles back) Ah, but not before a good shave. (leans in, examining Norrington's face closely) You don't use product, do you?

Norrington: (slightly taken aback) What are you babbling about?

Will: (reaches forward, running his finger down Norrington's cheek. A sound of dry sandpaper can be heard, causing all in the room to cringe.) Norrington… (the very name is disapproving. Then he looks thoughtful.) Is there something else we can call you?

Norrington: I beg your pardon?

Jack: (His friendly, persuasive best) Lad's right. We're going to be here for a day. Need somethin to call you besides "Commodore" now don't we? I'm Jack. He's Will. He's…" (points to Barbossa)

Barbossa: Ye'll be callin me Barbossa, unless I don't like ye. Then it's Captain. (He leans in, baring a mouthful of yellowed teeth.) Or Commodore.

Norrington: A day?

Jack: One full day of fun and merriment.

Barbossa: (Grins evilly)

Norrington: (backs slightly in spite of himself) Point… taken. (He looks around the room, finally settling on Will as though pleading for help. Will smiles back innocently.) Oh very well. My given name is James.

Jack: James! Good, true name, that. James. (slaps him on the back.) As I said, we're here to help. Boys, go to work.

(At once the team scatters, everyone in a different direction except Jack, who stays with James. Almost immediately, crashes can be heard throughout the house. James leaps to his feet.)

James: What's that?

Jack: All part of the service. No extra charge, I might add. (he stands, looking over his wardrobe critically.) When's the last time you changed your outfit? Tell me true, 1650? 1660?

James: (frosty) It's a military uniform.

Jack: No excuse for poor couture.

James: (stares) Did you just say "couture"?

Jack: (grins) Amazin what you pick up watchin cable. (Just then there's a knock at the door. Jack heaves a sigh of relief and dashes to open it. Outside is Elizabeth, immaculately dressed in a smart pirate's outfit) Got the goods, darlin?

Elizabeth: They're in the back.

Jack: Meet you there. (closes the door then bellows) SHE'S HERE!

James: What…?

Jack: (grabs James by the arm and propels him to the back where Elizabeth waits, several trunks surrounding her. At once the others descend upon the trunks with shouts of triumph, each making off with several armloads of goods. To James' puzzled look Jack just shrugs.) Not like they sell this stuff. Gotta do it ourselves. (He reaches for James' tricorner hat and flings it over his shoulder. The coat is the next to go quickly followed by the shirt. Then Jack steps back for a moment, looking appraisingly.) Not bad. Need a little sun, maybe. You workout?

James: (mortified) What kind of help are you offering, Sparrow?

Jack: The kind every straight guy like you desperately needs. (He winks then turns to Elizabeth.) Can handle things from here. Go help the others.

Elizabeth: (openly staring at the half naked James) But…