Jiraiya Versus Sudoku

Jiraiya Versus Sudoku

Jiraiya stared blankly at the pages in front of him, willing words to appear. He was supposed to be writing his new book, Icha Icha Intrigue, but found himself constantly distracted. And not by an attractive female, amazingly enough. Rather, it was by a partially filled in grid of numbers. Numbers that danced in front of him, taunting him, saying 'Yoooou can't beat ussss, Jiraiya. You cannnnnnnot win.' Konoha's biggest pervert had been bitten by the Sudoku bug.

He pushed the game under the other papers, determined to write. Thinking perverted thoughts, he wrote, "Keiko's heart beat faster, seeing Zoro before her, wearing only a towel loosely around his taut stomach. With a slow, deliberate movement, he let the towel drop-" Jiraiya stopped mid-sentence, quickly pulling out the Sudoku paper.

"Aha! The nine goes next to the five!" he declared, cackling evilly. "And then the four goes THERE!" He wrote in the numbers with a flourish, and then hid the sheet again. "Back to writing!"

"-He pinned her to the wall, looking at her curves ravenously. 'Do you want me?' Zoro growled in her ear. 'Yes,' Keiko moaned, 'Yes!-'"

"Wait, that can't be right!" Jiraiya said anxiously. "If the four goes there, then the eight has no place to go!" He pulled out the paper once again, erased the four, then frowned. "The seven could go there or there, but the one can only go there." He scribbled in some new numbers, and then placed the paper on a hard to reach shelf.

"There, that should keep it from distracting me from my book," smiled the notorious pervert.

"-His lips were everywhere, her hair, her throat, her-"

"Gadzooks!" he cried, leaping out of his chair to retrieve the game from where he shelved it, "It's so obvious! The two is next to the SIX!"

His overly-abused eraser cleaned up the mistake.

"Ha, I put THAT number in its place," he chortled. Jiraiya folded the paper into an airplane and tossed it out the window. "Now that that's out of the way …"
"With a groan of pleasure, he guided her hands down his body, lingering on his-"

"I CAN'T TAKE IT ANY LONGER!" he screamed suddenly, "CURSE YOU SUDOKU, CURSE YOU!"

He leapt out the window in search of the accursed paper. It was caught up in a tree, along with a kitten and one of Gai's jumpsuits. He refused to think about how the latter got there, as he ran back inside with the former. Once inside, Jiraiya lit a fire in the fireplace. Hesitantly, he held it over the flame.

"I came here to destroy it!" he told himself firmly.

"I came, but I do not choose to do what I came to do. The Sudoku is MINE!" His inner self laughed as it took over. Dancing crazily, he moved the paper away from the flames. "Precious! My precious!" Naruto screamed, running into the room, snatching the paper, and shoving it into his mouth, "It tastes like the Precious!"

"NOOOOOOO!" wailed Jiraiya, "IT'S GOOOOONE!" With an evil look upon him, he turned to Naruto. "Why did you do it?"

"It's a Naruto fanfic," explained the hyperactive lad, "I have to be in here somewhere! Besides, it had Ramen on it. It was delicious."

That's when Jiraiya slapped him.