Goodnight Daniel

Goodnight Daniel

Spoilers: Meridian.

Author's Note: This was inspired by a mixture of the song "What Hurts the Most" by Rascal Flatts and that little smile Jack gives at the end of Revelations after the breeze as he, Sam and Teal'c go to leave the mountain.

Its odd how it is always the last thing on your mind whilst they are living, breathing, fighting beside you but it is always the first thing you want to do when they lie before you cold and dying.

You realise when they're gone how much they meant to you, what they meant to everyone else. And every single mistake you made, every ill-meant word you uttered to them, the ones that you had long since forgotten and they had too come flooding back and you feel ten times as guilty as you did in the first place.

And yet no matter what Daniel had done for him he still couldn't make himself say what he wanted too, what Daniel deserved. The best thing he could say was that he admired him, a big step from the ever-present sarcastic wise cracks but still not enough. It would never have been enough.

Memories of the slightest touch, simple smiles and just the occasional look shared hit you like water from a broken dam and there is still nothing you can do. Exhaustion tugs at your bones until you can't feel it any more yet you feel more energetic than you have in years, you are deaf to everything but the words inside your head and yet everyone seems to be screaming at you.

The room in which Daniel had … ascended was dark save for the dim light that filtered through from the hall outside of the observation room and Jack stood stoically in front of the window, staring through it, focusing on the empty infirmary bed and the switched off equipment surrounding it.

"Colonel?" a tentative voice from the doorway sliced through the eerie ringing of silence.

Jack only glanced up, seeing his second in command's reflection in the glass next to him he took a breath but did nothing more.

"You okay sir?" she whispered, her voice laced with grief and verging on cracking as if tears were about to begin their steady descent all over again.

"I'm fine Carter" Jack said after a moment.

And as much as he hated to admit it he didn't think he was lying, a part of him was fine, a part of him was okay. Yes another part of him, one that overwhelmed him at times still could hear himself saying those fatal words, even at Daniel's request that part still felt like it had killed his best friend.

"Sir I…" her voice caught in her throat and Jack looked up, straight into the glass pane and at her reflection.

Far from the touch military scientist, she was pale and her fists clenched at her sides as if she were fighting the urge to wrap her arms round herself in a way that would have had her almost imitating the ascended archaeologist's regular stance.

Jack turned to face her "Carter"

"He's really gone isn't he?" she bit her lip and swallowed, tears were falling again and she tilted her head back a little as if to attempt to stem them.

"SG1, there's someone here who wants to see you"

The crowd of people in the gate room parted and a man he thought he would never see again stepped through, pausing in front of the rest of the team and smiling one of those rare million-dollar-smiles.

He'd laughed. He'd laughed and wrapped his arms round the younger man without a second thought. With a hand on the back of Daniel's head, just simply to convince himself that he'd pulled through yet again, he'd barely had chance to say "Spacemonkey! Yeah." Before Carter had joined in and even Teal'c had greeted the archaeologist with warmth reserved solely for those closest to the jaffa.

"It's what he wanted" was the reply, his voice soft and without it's usual gruff undertone.

Sam's hands flew to her face and swiped away the tears in a frustrated fashion and she took another breath before speaking again "with all due respect Sir Daniel didn't want to die at all. He saved millions of lives and all they could do was-"

"Daniel knew what he was risking when he threw himself through the glass Carter" Jack found himself snapping, his guilt ridden half rearing its ugly head.

"Daniel Jackson's actions on Kelowna were heroic Major Carter" Teal'c made his presence known, stood just outside the door of the observation room, his hands clasped behind his back as he inclined his head in greeting "as was his choice"

Sam looked from Teal'c too her commanding officer whose eyes had strayed once more to gaze through the window.

Military training had its cons as well as its pros. Jack's carefully schooled face didn't give any indication as to how he was feeling or as to what was going through his mind. Making her feel even more inferior than their rankings made her on a normal day but this wasn't a normal day and that was the problem.