Cobwebs

Cobwebs

Disclaimer: Puh-lease. Don't even think that I own the girls.

I have returned from the dead, my JavaJunkie friends! Since I haven't written anything really LL centred in….almost two months. Wow. Ouch. So, my gift to you all, a message that I'm still here.

This picks up after Partings - I haven't done anything Partings directly related yet - and goes right through to Bon Voyage. It has JavaJunkie overtones, definitely, but is really more of a character study of Lorelai during this time.

Enjoy. Feedback is welcomed with open arms.

Cobwebs

In the end, it doesn't even matter.

I.

She's hiding again. She's concealing herself the best way she knows how - to go where she has to and be quiet as she does so. She buys enough coffee for the staff of a school. She learns to make her own fries - actually slicing the potatoes herself.

She could be proud of herself, if she isn't so miserable. She's an idiot, she knows. The knowledge makes her cry at the oddest times. She sobbed in the middle of "Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory," and she's eating more ice cream than ever.

She's come to associate it with sadness.

Looking in the mirror, she sees a sad, aging woman. She's never thought of herself as old, but that's what she sees. She tries to smile. The faint lines at the corners of her eyes seem to stand out more than ever. She feels old. She feels lonely.

It's her fault.

The next day, when she's walking to work because she can't bring herself to go get gas - Miss Patty has taken to hanging out there; the new attendant is her victim - she sees Luke in the diner. Talking to April. April is laughing.

She feels a burning in her chest. She can feel her air being cut off - she's gasping for breath - and she stares hungrily.

She can stare because she's hiding. Hiding in the middle of the town square, in plain sight, but hiding all the same. Her dark clothes make her invisible.

She presses a hand to her mouth, trying not to let out a cry. It seems like he's fine.

And she's not.

But it is her fault.

II.

"Hey, sweetie," Sookie says, over-brightly, as she drags herself into work.

"Hey," she replies. She leans on the counter, holding her head in her hands.

"You want some coffee?" Sookie asks.

She feels like she's being handled with kid gloves. "No," she mumbles. "I'm fine."

Sookie nods. She starts chopping again. "Are you sure?"

"I think there's something wrong with me," she says, finally. "I mean other than the usual things."

"No, there's not," Sookie argues.

Lorelai reaches for the coffeepot. A fresh wave of guilt swallows her whole.

She doesn't want coffee anymore.

III.

She sits on the couch, wallowing. She's been wallowing for days. Days that have turned into weeks, in her mind. She's still dazed. Even now, she's foggy.

Rory flies onto the couch, putting her feet on Lorelai's lap. "Hey, Mom."

"Are you going back to school?" she asks.

"Yeah," Rory says. "I can stay…"

"No, you don't need to stay," she says, firmly. Weeks have gone by and she still can't pretend. She needs to learn to again.

She needs to learn a lot of stuff again. "Go, have fun, go to all the last first week parties you'll have," she says. This time, she can fake it better.

"Okay," Rory says, slowly. She hugs her mother.

Lorelai wraps her arms around Rory's neck, feeling the precious weight.

"Love you," Rory whispers, before straightening up. She gives her a sad smile, and Lorelai slumps.

She kind of hates herself now, and she can't really bring herself to feel loved.

IV.

So she finds herself in a car, watching a movie on the side of a barn with Chris. It's romantic, deeply so - no one's ever done anything like that for her. Ever. She sighs, and leans into him closer, but it's reflex.

She's chilled.

She pulls at the sleeves of her sweater and curls her hands up underneath the fabric. Chris kisses her cheek.

It's nice, she thinks. Not spectacular, not fun, not something she'll remember with fondness. Just nice.

V.

She can't bring herself to look in the mirror now. She's afraid she'll see that miserable, middle-aged woman, but she's also afraid she'll have to confront herself.

She's afraid to look at the ring. She rubs the band, but keeps staring forward.

Stupid.

Eloping in Paris - isn't that romantic? Something that happens to people truly in love and want such a great start. Something that happens to people that aren't her.

She closes her eyes.

"Lor?" Chris calls, banging her front door.

She opens her eyes. For a minute, she had been able to pretend she was waiting for someone else.

VI.

She runs to the hospital. Luke, April…hospital…she can't see that as being a good idea and she's overwhelmed with fear for this girl she hardly even knows. She argues that if Luke heard that Rory was in the hospital, then he would rush, too. That's what friends do, they look out for each other.