I thought you had a great story with an absolutely brilliant twist at the end. That was something I could definitely see happening on the show, and as a matter of fact, it is something that I had thoughts about happening myself.

That is just the sort of thing that the show is good at, the shocking twist that no one would see coming. Really good story, could have used a little bit more length to really tell it and get the true feeling of it. But all in all, a good story with a big twist at the end. Good work.

I really loved the twist ending. Not to toot my own horn so to speak, but usually I'm pretty good about picking up on twists before they happen. (My family says I'm a drag to watch movies with because I'm always spoiling it for everyone.) So, when someone can pop in a twist like that which I never saw coming, then I think that's a pretty sign. So I tip my hat to you. I had no idea that was going to happen. To be honest, I actually read the ending three times, because I was so shocked.

However, there were a few drawbacks to this story. Several were simple grammatical errors, which probably could be fixed or avoided in the final draft with the help of a beta reader. For example, "'It's nothing, i'll see you back at the house', she lied." The comma needs to go on the inside of the quote, so it should be: "It's nothing, I'll see you back at the house," she lied. Which also brings me to my next point, there were several times that I noticed you forgot to use a capital ("i'll" in the former sentence being one of them), and that is distracting for the reader.

In addition, lines like this can be avoided: "'What's wrong Mel?' , he asked worryingly." The comma doesn't belong between "Mel" and "he," if anything, it belongs after "wrong," because it's a direct address to Melinda. So the line should look like: "What's wrong, Mel?" he asked worryingly. (And I'm not sure if "worryingly" or "worriedly" is more correct, but it just seems awkward. However, sometimes words do play tricks on the ear, so I'm just noting that.)

You also need to be careful of past and present tenses. I, too, have a hard time keeping them separate, and I've been told over and over about it, which is probably why I'm noticing it now. "A week had passes" really need to be changed to, "A week had passed," but it's a simple slip up, which is again why I suggest a beta reader.

The last thing I want to point out is the use of numbers. When I was a newbie writer, I used to punch in something like "she picked up 2 pencils" to save time instead of tying out "two." But this is, again, distracting and takes away from the stories. I forget the exact rule on numbers (when to write them out and when not to), but I know that years (i.e. "2007") are one of the only times you can type it in numbers instead of spelling it.

And finally, I really wish this had been longer. I understand that with your twist, you couldn't add too much more without spoiling if for us, but it could've had more detail or at least other scenes. Speaking of detail, I thought I'd quickly mention this line: "Finally she plucked up her courage and answered it." I liked the use of "plucked" instead of something boring like, "Finally she got up the courage and answered it." Plucked just sounds better, and it gives the reader a nice mental image as she readies herself and then answers the phone.

All in all, this was a very nice little story. The ending, once again, I loved! Bravo! I could definitely see something like that happening on the show.