I like it. It brings to mind the TNG episode of "Time's Arrow" where Data's head is discovered in the 1890's and Picard and crew need to discover why.

The only problem I had is with the ending, it seems a little short. I think if you expanded Ch. 5 just a little, some dialogue maybe, it would read better and bring your story to a more solid ending.

Other than that, great work.

This story has captured the essence of the show. It shows that a fan can write just as good as those getting paid to write, or as the case is now not write, for the show. The characters were spot on, the way they were written stayed true to the show. I could actually see it happening as if I had watched, that's a sign of a well written story and a promising author. I give you two thumbs up, way up!

(I wrote this a while ago on the Critique Forum message board, and somehow I overlooked cross-posting it here. Sorry about that!)

I'll start off by saying that I know Star Trek only from the original series, and even then I don't know everything there is to know about it. Thus, I was wondering if Admiral Surlak was an original character, or if he has appeared elsewhere. It's appropriate that his name seems to contain the word "surly," and I'm wondering whether this was your intent.

I liked how McCoy had dubbed Admiral Surlak "the Lord High Executioner" of Starfleet. By any chance, are you a fan of Gilbert and Sullivan? If so, this reference to "The Mikado" made me smile. If not, it still made me smile, even if the reference was just a coincidence.

You like to use italics for thoughts and emphasis, I noticed. I do, too! There was at least one italicized line where you might have considered un-italicizing a single word for more emphasis. I'm speaking of:

I'll relax a bit, but as for being painless lets just see how well you react when you're put out to pasture.

Either the word "you" or the word "you're" could have been un-italicized in this case, i.e. I'll relax a bit, but as for being painless, let's just see how well you react when you're put out to pasture. Some writers might even go so far as to un-itaicize both words, but this is a matter of personel preference, of course.

I agree with what has already been said about the ending being too abrupt. Heck, I'd love to see an entire chapter written about the details of McCoy's and Tonia's wedding! Who all were invited, what sort of wedding gifts did they receive from the guests, etc. Then again, maybe I'm just sentimental.

Overall, this was a very enjoyable piece, and you kept Jim and Bones in character throughout -- I could almost hear their dialogue and thoughts recited in the voices of the actors who made them famous. If I wasn't so consarned busy (I can see the end of my lunch hour creeping up on me), I'd offer to beta for you. Thank you for an entertaining tale!

From the Critique Forum:

Nice moments:

… and politely asked you to send in the next victim.

You capture the tone well by these little word pictures you paint. This is an unpleasant, heartless experience for Kirk.

Your security clearance is no longer seven, but three.

Ouch! I feel weak for him.

3134.0

Ooh, this sounds like the introduction to a nice mystery. You know how to capture a reader’s attention with these little nuggets.

The Guardian Of Forever

I felt a KvP experience coming on, like you wrote this in response to that contest. But you said you didn't know about it. Amazing.

I love the way you include McCoy’s distaste for transporters. LOL Nicely done.

Presentation: Your scene break was a bit abrupt. You have Kirk and Bones discussing the Guardian, and then your next paragraph begins with, “Three weeks later ... ” It could have used some stars or other division marks.

It took the all-knowing Guardian to convince Kirk to reinstate his active duty.

Hey, I want more! I was settling down for a nice long mystery. You started one off so well. Your ending was kind of like wrapping up a fairy tale … and they lived happily ever after. And I'm thinking, "No! I want my story!"

I did read the book where Kirk revisits the Guardian, but I read it years ago.

I'm noting a trend in your Kirk stories, toward that of either accepting a life-altering change, or picking it up and turning it around. This is trended more toward the former, and it strikes me that it's a really rare thing, to read about Kirk in a situation like this. I like it, and I also like that you've written a tribute to him with someone who could be called a 'fan' of his, but who doesn't come across as fawning or anything like that. As I know you have very good reasons to have difficulty with punctuation (there are a few places where I'd have chosen to place a comma, and similar things), that's all I'm going to say--but this read very well, as good stories tend to do. Some of my favorite lines:

Absolutely BRILLIANT lines here: "Jim humphed. He had discovered while serving with Bones humphing was almost a lost art. There was a good humph, which Bones was a master at, and the kind of humph that simply announced to the world you might have gas. Had Bones heard Jims humph he would have been proud."

I never thought about how enchanting it would be to combine knowledge of the past with a futuristic show like this line did: ""One more time and I'll treat to an old twentieth century custom - called the bums rush. You'll be sent through that door at warp speed. Do I make myself clear Jim Kirk?"" Too many times I've seen references to our time show up in stories, only to be disappointed when they turn out to be used with too much confidence by their voicers. This one is perfect, because just as we ourselves would have/have done with a phrase from times in our history, it's a mixture of Atoz's time and the past.

~Darsy